Pro gamer move
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones…
… but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooo!!
What do we call a group of 12 atoms?
Dozen matter.
How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
A mentor of mine once told me
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers…
You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
A platypus walks into a bar where the bartender is a duck.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
My parents said that if I wanted to go travelling then I’d have to save up. So I’ve been saving up for three years now.
Still can't afford a train ticket.
A nun, a priest, and a rabbi…..
are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat… Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?” Rabbi: “Fuck the children.” Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
A police officer pulls a man for speeding
Po: Sir im gonna have to write a ticket but i will give you a chance by answering a trivia question. Guy: Lets do this Po: There are two headlights coming from the end of the street. What is it? Guy: Its a car!! Po: Sure but is it a kia, is it a mazda? That was wrong but ill give you one more chance. There is one headlight coming down the street. What is it. Guy: Its a motorbike !!! Po: Sure but is it bmw , is it suzuki? Sorry man im gonna have to proceed with the ticket Guy: Hey give me one last chance. Ill ask you an easy trivia question and if you get it right go ahead and finish the ticket Po: Ok go Guy: Theres a lady at the corner of the street very late at night. She is wearing a mini skirt and a very tight blouse while waving and talking to men in cars. What is she? Po: She is a whore dude… Guy: Sure but is it your wife, is it your sister?
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils… because they dilate.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Robin: “Batman, this is Robin”
Robin: "I'm calling on the batphone, from the batcave. The batmobile won't start!" Batman: "Have you checked the battery?" Robin: "what's a tery?"
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
Did you hear about the photographer who got lost in the woods?
He died of exposure.
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
A wife is speaking to her husband…
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate. Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier. Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes. Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.
But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.