“Pro-life” but only if it doesn’t hurt the economy
Know what’s remarkable?
Whiteboards.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
You know, one would have been enough.
A child asks his father what “gay” means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
Asked my mum “How much is a couple?” “2 or 3” she replied.
…probably explains why her marriage collapsed
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.
My dad told me that he wished me a deep hole filled with water
I know he meant well
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band…
But I quit as it was just one ting after another…
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
I told my wife I was thinking about buying an expensive watch.
Her: How expensive? Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000. Her: You could buy a car for that! Me: That's a bit excessive — I don't think it needs its own car.
What do you call a pen that isn’t moving?
Stationary.
My wife is happy with COVID-19. I must not kiss nor hug anybody, always keep a safe distance and avoid public places and social occasions.
To be honest, she was always happy with her Redditor husband.
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA
Kicked out of the petting zoo
Ok,so if corona virus isn’t about beer,
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Someone stole my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about that
TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
What can’t cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose
A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
What is 5Q + 5Q?
You're welcome.
Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?
It’s beauty was unpresidented.
What’s the fastest way to massacre snails?
A salt rifle