For years I was against organ transplants
Then I had a change of heart
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus
19 and easy to spread
It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class…
She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
What is the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
What’s the fun thing about communist jokes?
Everyone get them
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock
I found out my toaster isn’t waterproof
I was shocked
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Did you hear about the soldier who drank on the job?
He got tanked
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-naaaa.
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
“I used to be a Christian”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific