Probably been done before
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?
A punchline…
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.
My parents used to tell me that joke all the time. Still remember it to this day.
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
Sheepdog: That’s all 50 sheep Shepherd: What? We should have only 47
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up
Knock knock
Who's there? To. To who? (Shakes head) To whom.
While he was out, my husband text me ‘I think I’ll run through the car wash on my way home.’
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry…
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?
Most Americans don't get it.
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?
Cause groups of fish are called schools
I’m deathly afraid of speed bumps,
but I’m slowly getting over it.
What do houses wear?
Address
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,
and I don’t try to run mine.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t know I existed…
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
When I die I want to die peacefully in sleep like my granddad …
Not screaming hysterically like his passengers
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
I’ve been standing under citrus trees all day.
I feel sublime!
“Mommy i want that balloon” = A baby that keeps pointing at balloons = Pointer 😂
https://ift.tt/2p1zoFy
Why was Pavlov’s beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
Becoming White
A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his belt and beats him with it. Finally, he goes to his grandma and says “Grandma, I’m a white boy now!” and she slaps him across the face and asks the boy “How does it feel to be white now?” He responds by saying “I’ve been white for 5 minutes and I already hate black people.”
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"