Probably been posted here before, but…
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What do you call a teacher, who retired?
A Taughter.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
I’m as humble as equal sign.
I know I’m not > or < than any anyone else
A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God…
" there is one thing I've always wanted to know" "Ok, ask away," God said. " Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked " The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god. The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".
Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House…
Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt. The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it. Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're my driver, and apologize." A while later, the man returns, seeming incredibly satisfied. Trump asks how the family reacted, but the driver said they seemed in good spirits and even gave him some of their dinner. Back on the road, the driver hits another pig that wandered onto the road. He goes and tells the farmer's family, but when he comes back, he says the family was overjoyed and gave him a bottle of liquor. The driver hits a third pig that was on the road, but this time, Trump secretly follows him to see why the people would be so happy. When the farmer comes to the door, the driver announces, "I'm President Trump’s driver, the pig is dead!"
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
Michael Jackson, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, and Elvis all walk in to a 7-eleven
You wouldn’t believe it, that store was dead.
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
Daddy, what is clickbait?
No text found
Nurse: “My phone just died.”
Doctor: “Let’s call it.”
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down.
Wife was breastfeeding..
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in Me: yeah he is really milking it
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says "Don't do it, man you'll never hear the end of it.
Why was Heisenberg bad at sex?
Because when he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum. And when he found the momentum, he couldn't find the position.
What’s a bowlers favorite kind of vegetable?
A spare I guess
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
I’m not an apologetic Canadian…
I'm sorry, I'm just not
Kate is a pretty name, it’s the name I would want to give to one of my twin daughters.
I would name the other one "DupliKate'
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
News paper comics can be funny sometimes but they’re easily subject to boomers.
https://ift.tt/2wT7Fdw
Police officer: “I’m here to inform you that your son burned down the school”
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
Dyslexics untie!
No text found
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7OzkGkyr_Y