You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
Did you hear the police are on the lookout for a psychic midget?
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
I almost got raped in jail
My family takes monopoly too seriously
How does bread say hello?
Glutentag
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
/r/Jokes/comments/bj9t8d/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.
He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.” The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The king and queen of clubs.
I hate trying to please miners.
They're so picky!
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
The word nun…
…is just the letter n doing a forward roll.
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'
What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball?
He was blown apart.
After 40 years as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?” The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
A bunch of electricians threw a party
It was lit
I’m allergic to bread but eat it anyways
I guess I'm a gluten for punishment
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
What’s an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
Remember when cosmetic surgery was a very taboo subject?
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
Microtransaction
What does a house wear?
Address