Probably the same person
What do you call a stolen Tesla
An Edison
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
https://ift.tt/2PzOg8J
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
What is marriage really like?
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner… unannounced at 7:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home? Husband: Because he is thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
My wife is really mad at the fact I have no sense of direction…
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
I have a few jokes on unemployed people
But none of them work.
My mate Dave’s always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.
“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him. “I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.” “A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked. “Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”
It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, it’s how many times you get back up!
"That's not how field sobriety tests work." replied the police officer
Superman is flying though the air super horny…
When he notices Wonder Woman laying totally naked on top of a skyscraper, legs spread wide open. He thinks to himself, man, I’m Superman… Faster than a speeding bullet. I can go down there, fuck the shit out of her as fast as I can and be out of there before she feels a thing. He swoops down as fast as he can and within a second, he’s gone. “What was that?!” screamed Wonder Woman. “I don’t know” the Invisible Man said. “But my asshole is killing me.”
Little Johnny
One day in a school room: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
After 20 years of working on it, I finally finished my physics book.
It was about time.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage?
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew!
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!