Processed foods and lead have apparently fueled a superior generation.
Did you hear about the Mexican magician?
He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
What’s the fastest liquid?
Milk- it’s pasteurized before you see it
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
They’re finally making a movie about clocks…
…it's about time.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
https://ift.tt/2Vbtvl6
What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.
I think she's a keeper.
I have some jokes about unemployed people.
But I know they won't work.
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?" He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area." (True story)
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
My 13yo has had enough. I disagree.
https://imgur.com/a/b4uxwBM
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies ?
Twobearculousis
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”
Why did the blind man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
