I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
She always runs from the ball
A grill runs out of gas
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
They just gave me a cold shoulder
I know because I kept a log
Alien versus Redditor.
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
I told him, "That makes two of us".
What a releaf!
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
Username checks out
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
They always punch up the fuck line.
I just gave my too weak notice!
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
It takes screen shots.
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funny…"
Just this morning she asked, “Is that the best you can do?”
So I just came in my pants.
When it becomes apparent
2B or not 2B
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
I called it the second hand second hand store