Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, “Death to America!”
I think I might have terror wrists.
Terrorist: “Say your last words!”
Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway." Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"? Dad: "About a pound and a half." Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!" Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad
Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
No, I don’t know where most things are on the map!
I've never been good at geometry.
[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.
Scene: I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid night. Story: With the heat and humidity I was finding it very hard to sleep, and had taken to watching some Japanese horror flicks on my laptop to kill some time. I had my headphones on since I needed to open all the bedroom windows (thanks to the heat) and I didn't want to disturb my neighbours. At a poignant part of the story in the movie, I could hear over the sound track a slow rhythmic masculine groan. After about a minute of confusion I realised that some of my neighbours were enjoying some casual coital union. The rhythmic groan picked up in frequency and amplitude, and was soon offset with his partners feminine "yes"es. Needless to say, I was no longer watching my horror movie and I was laughing hysterically, yet quietly, at this point into my pillow. Quickly their coital activities got to a point of "fever pitch" where the male neighbour announced, "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum!" to which the female neighbour demands he "wait, and cum on my face!". Cue a series of climatic groaning and other such sounds of affirmation. Job done, the female announces that she's heading off to have a shower (good call) and goes to the bathroom to do so. All the windows are open it seems, as one can hear all the associated sounds of a shower hard earned. Upon her arrival back into the bedroom the female scolds her counterpart for lighting up and enjoying a cigarette in her absence, stating "Dammit you know that ciggie smoke irritates my sinuses!". Shortly after this statement, she sneezes loudly and impressively. At this point I turn towards my open window and say in a nice loud voice "Bless you!"… ..Silence… …An embarrassed scream. …And a Guinness World Record attempt in the number of windows closed in the shortest period of time possible. I nearly pissed myself laughing.
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend,
but it was just my imagine Asian.
Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market
I should have bought asparagus
There’s a lot of big words you’re hearing little buddy, I know it’s confusing …
https://ift.tt/2KkFdp3
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
“That one about the guy…”
I was having a bad time once and my friend felt the need to comfort me. He said "cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck at the bottom of a deep hole filled with water." I knew he meant well.
What do you do when your mind isn’t exactly working like clockwork?
Change your gears.
“Hey honey, I’m pregnant.”
"Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!" "No you're not."
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it
My illegal logging business is a success
What’s another name for Vampires?
Neck-romancer
I can’t believe how many people don’t understand erectile dysfunction.
I mean, it's not hard.
What do you call a small mother ?
A minimum
Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
To the person who stole my glasses, I’m warning you
I have contacts.
I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
What do you call a sleeping Triceratops?
A snoozosaurus.
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he could not see that well.
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
Wind
Nature’s biggest fan
Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts
He said I have to start paying in advance
Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
The doggy swinging is funny, however the old scene kinda makes me sad at the same time?
https://ift.tt/2WP2S5P
Comic Sans walks into a bar
The bartender says "Get out – We don't serve your type".