"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?" A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash." "No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ". He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy." "Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president. Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy." "That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?" "Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
What a weird thing to lye about
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
Quacks in the pavement.
No text found
Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted. So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each. When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"
A receding hareline
.. they would eventually find me attractive
It's all about raisin awareness
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
He's all right now.
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Because its cheaper
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
In case I got a hole in one
Because nobody has any beef over there.
I won’t rest until I find it.
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
I think it meant a great deal to him.
I’ve got to say I’m disappointed to see so many of you here
Because she's really Sheik.
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
It was about a week back.
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
Because they use the metric system there, Miles.
I can't see them anywhere.
You’re walking along the Oregon Trail and you meet a guy named terry. You laugh at him as say Terry is a girls name. Terry shoots you. You’ve died of dissen terry.
The only thing I like about gay s3x is that it doesn’t involve women😉
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
You ever wonder if the reason Star Wars movies came out the order they came out was because Yoda was in charge of the release dates?