A Redditor walks into Reddit Restaurant…
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Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
I was telling jokes about nuts and bolts
But then I screwed up.
If I was an injured cat,
Me: Ow.
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
Men think about sex every 7 seconds…
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.
Because sin90 = cot45.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing" the woman says and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Japanese foods have such weird names.
They always claim to be yaki but are actually pretty yummy.
Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.
Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.
NSFW While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.
"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew. "But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew. "That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the Chinaman. "But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg…" "Goldberg, greenberg, iceberg…"
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”
The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”
A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
My friend, Eric, started using a phrase that I invented for referring to an Indian perennial herb.
I said, "That's my term, Eric."
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket
You can hide, but you can’t run.
Is it just me or are circles pointless
No text found
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious – I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!" Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant…" Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
Why would T. Rex struggle to play the piano?
They’re extinct.
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
She got fired from the hot dog stand…
… for putting her hair in a bun.
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…