Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
Man walks into a tuxedo shop and the associate says “do you need any help?”
The man gruffly replies "no i think im fully capable of finding my own tux!" Associate says "fine. Suit yourself."
Have you met Bruce Leeβs vegan brother?
Heβs called Broco Lee.
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
I'm not buying it.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
I can chop wood just by looking at it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
it's not hard…
Whatβs Ironman without his suit?
Stark Naked
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.
She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einsteinβs dad: Damn son, itβs about time.
Do you know why I donβt like stairs?
Because theyβre always up to something
My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin…
…I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
What’s the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia?
About 15 seconds
My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dickβ¦
Mostly because his name is Steveβ¦
Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?
The opposite of right
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Then you're gay."
What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.
You can tell an antβs gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, itβs a girl ant. If it floats, itβs buoyant.
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, βLook, boysβ¦β
If ‘A’ is for apple, and ‘B’ is for banana, what is ‘C’ for ?
Plastic explosives
Kissing half a billion dollars goodbye… Bloomberg’s worst return on an investment
https://ift.tt/2ToqSMU