7 year old got me today
Did you know gibberish spelled backwards is gibberish? No, it's hsirebbig. Exactly my point!
Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes…
It’s like shooting fish in apparel…
I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
I recently took a pole
I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.
The roof is not my son
But I will raise it nevertheless.
Who called it breast transplants and not Boobles?
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(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
A string walks into a bar
He says "Bartender, get me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The string is pissed. He goes into the alley, twists himself up, messes up his hair, and storms back inside. "Bartender. Get me a beer." The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Hey, ain't you that string I sent out earlier?" The string shakes his head. "I'm a frayed knot."
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
Who did Luke Skywalker learn to make pastries from?
WARNING: THIS JOKE IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE Obi-wanCANNOLI I’ll show myself out.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
What can the coronavirus do that the us government can’t?
Stop school shootings
Why are pine trees bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!!
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
I just realized my countertop is made of marble.
I have been taking it for granite all these years.