How many lemons grow on a tree?
All of them.
“Employers, what’s the most inappropriate thing someone’s worn to a job interview?”
https://ift.tt/2VxmLxC
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret”
As a landlord, I truly value my easy-going, Chinese food-loving occupants.
They're lo mein tenants.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?
A punchline…
What does a goat put on after his pants?
His goatee
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
What does a house wear?
Address
My dad suffers from short term memory loss…
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
When I die I want my coffin to be made of onions.
My family don't love me very much.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
A man and his wife go to a therapist.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
Tech summits: the one time the men’s bathroom line exceeds the women’s ( @ silicon slopes)
https://ift.tt/31dtPSO
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?
Drycoughsky
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
https://ift.tt/2TPHZqL
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
I keep telling myself to quit drugs
Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US…
… will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
If you take something, that’s one thing
If you take something else, that’s another thing
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
My wife locked me outside the house because she got sick of my terrible wordplay jokes.
I texted her "Oh pun the door!"
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
[NSFW] How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot…
"Wow, there's so many buttons and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones don’t make it write.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.