Programmer Translation Guide
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
To spell “panda” all you need is..
.. p and a.
My son’s math teacher called him average…
I just think he’s mean.
Cop on Horse
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
Wanted: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
I did Nazi that coming
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
https://ift.tt/2v1GRY2
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
A waist of money.
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
My dad suffers from short term memory loss…
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dad•a•base
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.
Now they just call me Dav.
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
Wife: I haven’t seen you use the bathroom all week
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
For lifelong French bakers,
existence is pain.
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
I bought a handgun from a T-Rex..
…because he is a small arms dealer!
I’m the content creator for the IG of the @. Please don’t hold that against me.
https://ift.tt/2DPJYmQ
What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?
An Autumnobile
According to my wife, I’m a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.
I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.
If Hooters started delivering
Would they change their name to knockers?
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
A man with a 25 inch penis…
Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well give it a try. So he goes to the witch doctor and the witch doctor said” Oh, that’s easy. Just climb up the Bear Mountains and go down Bear Mountains. Fog will appear then disappear. Once the fog disappear, a frog will appear on a lily pad. Ask that frog if that frog will marry you.” So the man goes up the Bear Mountains, down the Bear Mountains, fog appears, fog disappeared. A frog appears on a lily pad. The man ask the frog if he will marry him. The frog says no and the man felt a trembling and shake, looked down his pants and noticed his penis shrank by 5 inches. The man asked the frog again, “Frog, will you marry me?”. The frog again said no. The man felt the trembling and shaking again and noticed his penis shrank by 5 more inches. He thought to himself, “This is great! All I gotta do is ask the frog one more time and he will say no and I’ll have a 10 in perfect penis and every woman will want to have sex with me”. He proceeded to ask the frog one more time “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog looks up at him and said “How many times I gotta tell you? NO, NO, NO!”
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
No text found
Duck a Fuck
A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price. The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I’ll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said “Ok”. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I’ll give you your duck back if you’ll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said “I’m so sorry i killed your duck. I’ll give you $40 to make up for it. When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made. He said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.”