Some races are inferior and should be eliminated
No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
Tastes like ass.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
My daughter FINALLY got an ‘A’ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
At this point English has become suck up to the teacher class
At this point English has become suck up to the teacher class
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
“Welcome back, everybody” is apparently not a good way to start your speech
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
Today a woman said she recognized me from her vegetarian club..
..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
Well… Here goes nothing
No text found
We were eating lunch…
Before our hike, my wife offered my sister-in-law some fruit. She said "no thanks, I had a pear on the way here." Without skipping a beat, I said "you mean you came pre-peared?"
Oldest man on Earth
A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world. After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village. The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard. Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?" Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! " Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists… Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life? Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! " Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? " Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine. Gramps: "…….. One day I got lost in the forest….. "
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer. “No. I always give 110%”.
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.
Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place. God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan. "Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed. "I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied. "You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!" Satan smirked. "Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
My bald surgeon friend is the most charismatic guy I know.
He is a real smooth operator.
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
The psychic I go to can predict what’s going to happen two years from now.
He's got 2020 vision.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Joke
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Aw, don't cry. It's just a joke.
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics
THIS is what I saw when I turned on my computer today… What year is it again?
https://ift.tt/2qaiYuH
This is my first year not going to Fiji because of Covid-19
Normally i don’t go because I’m poor
As my teacher once said “To the side, to the side”
As my teacher once said “To the side, to the side”
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
https://youtu.be/zkcAPgm42-c
Did you hear about the guy who invented the ‘Knock Knock’ joke ?
He won the "No-Bell Prize"
The person who invented knock knock jokes
Should get a nobell prize