I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25
Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
What is an electricians favorite type of news
Current events
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
What is Forrest Gump password
1forrest1
I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.
I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving. Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!
A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate
I now live in constant fear
People tend to get shocked…
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Hiring manager: “What’s your greatest weakness?”
Man: "I’d say honesty ." Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed
My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches
but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
I met a Jewish girl and she wanted my number
I simply told her we use names here
Why should you never touch an electric fence
Because it hertz.
A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors…
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
What’s brown and not very heavy?
Light brown
The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
Kenny Loggins Should Do A Song With Kenny Passwords.
No text found
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. "If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth". The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound". The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door". The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same….
Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal…
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it
It’s a running joke.
You know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine…
The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.