I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
It’s strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education…
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
Vitamin see!
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
I was going to make an alzhiemers joke
but I forgot it
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
I don’t want to sound racist but…
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
It’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
This morning a clown held the door for me.
It was a nice jester.
I once bought shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
Not Happy
I’ve created a new word
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
My wife asked if her turn signal was working
I said "Yes. No. Yes. No."
What do you call a dog that eats other dogs?
A caninbal.
If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.
Because sin90 = cot45.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover there butt Quacks! Straight from my ten year old…. I’m so proud.
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates…
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?” The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.” The bartender replies “So three drinks?” “What the hell is three?”
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Right before I die, i’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.
My cremation is going to be epic.
Most puns make me feel numb.
Math posts make me feel number.
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.