a quick byte
That finally explains the craze for toilet paper 🧻🧻🧻
My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
A man walks into a bar NSFW
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After nursing his whiskey he notices a horse in the back of the bar. Curious he asks the bar-tender: "Hey, why the horse in the back of the bar" "Oh, that horse is Jim. We have a pool going. If anyone can make Jim laugh they can have all the money. It's $100 to try." The man thinks for a moment, removes $100 from his wallet, places the money on the bar, walks back, and whispers something in Jim's (the horse's) ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The man walks back to the bar, orders another whiskey, shoots it, takes his winnings and leaves. A few months later this strange man comes back to the bar. Again he orders a drink and again he asks about the horse. The bar tender replies: "Well, since you were last here we needed a new wager. Same deal only now we are looking for someone that can make Jim cry". Then places his money on the bar and walks back to the horse and moments later returns ; a weeping horse in his wake and inquires to his prize money. The bartender not letting go so easily asked, "Hold on mister. You have to tell me. how you won both pools" The man replies: "Last time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him".
And people will keep showing up too
Fucken boomers man. Or GenXrs. I honestly don’t know anymore.
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
Found this on my uncle’s Facebook. Seemed like a perfect fit for this sub
I hate the word “xenophobia”
it just sounds so…foreign
Sam walks into his boss’s office.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
Why does England feel like it’s two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
Programming Office Space
This is just too evil…
Mom always said you can find something nice to say about anyone…
Funny but also very sad
2² is 4 tho
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
There will be a baby boom in 9 months.
And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Gahan Wilson environmental regret cartoon
Can’t be unseen!
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
Yes programmers run too.
What do you call smart person in America?
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
When you find out the teacher’s using Ubuntu…
The programmer paradox..
Sorry, not sorry
Heed The Call Up
Why did i go to Burger King
Germany confirms that Trump tried to buy firm working on coronavirus vaccine
Found in my SAT prep book
Living paycheck to paycheck just like us
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.
So i packed my stuff and right.
Set Reminder For 2030
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
Why Americans don’t use metric?
Well the Scientists Have Been Right So Far
Comments in a nutshell
This may cause some Fallout
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don't.
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get joggin’ ladies
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
How to insert a suppository during quarantine (sent to me by my boomer mom)
Deadline of projects
Donald Trump basically ruined 4202020
Dad: so at the ball drop we all have to put our left leg in the air
Me: why Dad: so we can start the new year on the right foot! Me: why are you the way that you are
I hate Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves
How the times change…
A Gentlemanly Bragging Contest
An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . . The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special perfumed aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for three minutes." The Englishman said: "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
How programmers show their love
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
Ah don’t like welfare until ah get mah welfare!
This word game answer
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
My professor makes us do this occasionally and it’s the worst thing ever.
I’ve tried making my own boomer comic
Why did the console player cross the road?
To render the buildings
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
“Losers don’t get stuff named after them”
BUt nEw yOrK aNd CaLiForNia!