progression
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.' The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.' The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
With great reflexes comes great response ability
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My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body
I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there
Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
https://ift.tt/2ODHMUp
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When they're going "CHEEP!"
Color Blind
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Don’t hurt me.
What do you call a bear covered in strawberries
To be honest even I dont know u choose
Most people don’t know…
…but back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
High definition.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it's full groan.
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket.
You can hide but you cant run
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom?
Dam right they are.
My son may be a good father…
But I'm a grandfather.
Three men die and go to heaven
three men named Mike, Ricky, and Randy arrive to st Peters pearly gates, they are greeted by Peter: “welcome guys, mike please come in first.” Mike walks through the gates where then a Ferrari awaits him. Peter: “Here Mike, my records show me that you have never cheated on your wife, thus you have a Farrari to drive in heaven for eternity. Now Ricky, please enter.” Ricky walks through the pearly gates where he sees a Toyota there for him. Peter: “ Hello Ricky, my records show me that you have cheated on your wife 2 times, you are now stuck with this 1998 Toyota as your car for eternity. Now Randy, come in.” Randy enters and sees a Push bike laying on the ground for him. Peter: “ Randy, I am disappointed in you, my records show you have cheated on your wife 8 times. You now can only ride your bike around for eternity. As all men have passed through the pearly gates, Randy and Ricky see Mike sitting in his Ferrari, crying his eyes out. They go up to him and say: “Mikey, what’s up why are you crying, you are sitting in a Ferrari?!” Mike answers: “g-guys… I just saw my wife roll by on a s-skateboard.
Why was the green melon happily married and the orange melon single for life
Green “hon I dew” Orange “Can’t-elope….”
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
My dad has a camera pointing at the river outside
He likes to keep up with current events.
I was just in my local supermarket…
Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of. I called him a selfish b*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself! He said: "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.
Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"
What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
My Computer is a lot like a Chargers game
They both only have two fans
(OC) How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?
Buenos Nachos!
Coronavirus isn’t Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s Fault. Sars wasn’t Brush’s fault….
And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know, because I kept a log.
All Jews had their foreskins
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I finally found out why Nurses Cary red crayons
Incase they have to Draw blood.
In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
The person who invented hand sanitiser…
She must be really rubbing her hands together now!
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
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I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange! Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet.
Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.