Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
If you can guess the number inside this post, I’ll give you $1,000,000! (hint: it’s between 3 and 5)
4.29784569834593847593845938745 Awww… so close!
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
![[OC] Reminding coworkers to test their code be like…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/s4sh9q23eaz31-400x338.jpg)
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, your pizza will be round.”
Even robots need a vacation from time-to-time
When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day. Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill. Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said “He’s taking a vacation day”. So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler's day off.
Some years after the flood, Noah wanted to sail again
Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.
Why did the hipster drown
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh harder
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, confirming that it could arrive at their position in approximately two weeks. The old vet sighed and shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. The young soldier scoffed. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, “What’s wrong?”
The boy says, "Me ma is dead." "Oh bejaysus," the man replies. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?" The boys says, "No tanks mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment."
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
I wrote an apology in morse code
I call it the remorse code
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
Two elves walk into a bar
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
Not dad jokes…. it’s jokes on dad
Nurse: I'm sorry sir, your dad is pronounced dead. Son:I can't believe I'm pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, ‘what would Jesus do?’
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Why did the man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well
Thank god Canada’s not the global super power
Or we'd all be sorry
Soap Dispenser
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood… sure enough he drops the second bar of Soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God – Hand Lotion too!
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
God said to John come forth and have everlasting life.
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
Use, spring water.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
I bought a handgun from a T-Rex..
…because he is a small arms dealer!
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
