Protect him
So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I may be able to save you 10 grand."
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night
Turns out it was just saturday night fever (Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)
A higgs boson particle goes into a church…
…and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”
I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
What’s the difference between a school and a compound?
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
A man with a stutter answers an ad for “bible salesman wanted”.
He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more." The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says "I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. "You have to tell me how you did it. "He says. "Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I'm suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? "
Why should you never buy a dog from a blacksmith???
Because as soon as you take the dog home it makes a bolt for the door.
A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.
They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’ She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?’ The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says… . . . . . . . . . "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
What is the loneliest cheese?
Prov-Alone
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Sperm donors wanted
Please come quickly.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".
Fuck Keanu Reeves
Well, that’s the plan, anyways
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”
I saw my son reading Fahrenheit 451, and I asked him whether he liked it.
He said, “Its pretty lit.”
A dude walks into a restaurant and says,
"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?" The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of this shit joint?" "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from swearing in this restaurant." "Fuck off!" replies the dude. "And where's the fucking piano?" "What?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf are we? You little piece of shit, show me your fucking piano." "Oh, you're here for the pianist job. Can you play any blues?" says the manager showing the dude the piano. "Of course I fucking can," and the guy plays the most inspiring and beautiful blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's good, what's it called?" "I want to fuck your wife on the couch but the springs keep hurting my balls," replies the pianist. The manager is disturbed but asks if he knows jazz. So he proceeds to play the best jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Great!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted to fuck your daughter but she's still at school." The manager gets angry but asks if he knows any ballads, he then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I fuck her under the stars, the moonlight shines off her hairy pussy," he replies. The manager is upset but offers him the job if he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a little bit, until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde the dude has ever seen. She's wearing a see through dress and her tits are falling out the top. She is sitting there with her legs wide open, staring at him. It's too much for him so he runs off to the restroom to yank one out. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager yell "Where's that pianist!?" He just has time to cum and then he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself right, sits down and starts playing his music. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your pants and dripping jizz on your shoes?" "Know it," he replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
At a funeral, a little old man goes up to the grieving widow.
"May I say a word?" Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora" "The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."