Protest behavior
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday.
Left the brownies in the oven too long.
OK.
What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went
Then……. it dawned on me
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
I recently walked down a street with the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, 1mb etc
That was a trip down memory lane
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
It’s getting hot in here
It’s getting hot in here
Why do riot police go to work early?
To beat the crowd.
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank…
I have no words for how angry I am.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Why did the lawyer go to culinary school?
He wanted to be a sue chef.
*burgler gently waking me*
You live like this?
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
What do you call a cheap prostitute?
Quarter pounder.
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
Q: How do you tell if there’s an elephant hiding in your refrigerator?
A: Look for footprints in the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 2 elephants hiding in your refrigerator? A: You can hear them fighting for room. Q: How do you tell there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's more no room for the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator? A: You need a fork lift to move it. Q: You're in an airplane that's running out of fuel much more quickly than expected and is going to crash. What does the pilot throw out to save the plane? A: Your refrigerator. Q: Greg and Rich were playing their weekly game of chess. Greg always wins, but this time Rich was so close. He sat there thinking, and thinking, and thinking, trying to find an opening. He thought for so long that he died, and Greg won. How did Rich die? A: A refrigerator fell on him. Q: The Lion King called a huge meeting and demanded that all the animals come. There were the cheetahs, antelope, wildebeests, rattle snakes, hippopotamus, literally almost everyone one was there for the big meeting. But they couldn't start because there was one animal missing. Who was is? A: The elephants, because they were in your refrigerator. Q: Your walking across a desert when you come to a big river. You are so hungry that you're about to faint, but you can see several fruit trees full of fruit on the other side. There's an old bridge across the river, but it has a sign that says "Bridge closed due to snake infestation." Along the river there are also signs that say "Warning: Crocodiles – no swimming." How do you get across the river? A: Just take the bridge. All the animals are at the Lion King's meeting. Just some absurd jokes from my childhood 😉
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
One of my kitchen gadgets is randomly playing classical music
I think it’s the Chopin board.
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
What do biographers and serial killers have in common?
Multiple life sentences.
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in prison now.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
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Accidentally glued myself to my autobiography this morning
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
[National dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Remember, you’re somebody’s reason to smile.
Because you're a fucking joke.