Protest sign in Australia
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
Saw an ad for a DeLorean with low milage…
…said it was only used from time to time.
What’s brown and sticky?
A Stick
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating…..
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
Well, to be Frank, i’d have to change my name
No text found
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a good time.
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
What do you call a popsicle that’s filled with holes?
A Popesicle! Get it? Because it's holy. My kids didn't get it either…
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid.
Dad just waves and says, "Bison".
I was fired from the calendar factory
How? I took a day off
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
German, Englishman, and Irishman
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?" And the Irishman said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."
I’m convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything…
…except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)
Do you remember Limewire? You might have ruined your parents computer but it was worth it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kSU9d-PfMY
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
Two jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
After 40 years as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?” The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”
Why is the dark side of the moon dry?
Because the other side has all the moonshine
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, …
… arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "…plus a constant."
I have a maths joke
But I’m 2² to say it
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…