Protestors say statue tripped and fell into water
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything, Father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes, Sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh Father, may I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true Father?” “Yes, it is, Sister.” “Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Patty O'Furniture.
My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
One Finn
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from: The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought… Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men…it's a trap. There's two of them."
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week…
There was no coffin at his funeral!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.
I want to post a walkie talkie joke,
but I need to think it, over.
You can’t plant flowers…
…if you haven’t botany
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
Why isn’t PI fun at parties?
He just goes on forever
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
Here’s the thing about cliff hangers
No text found
I electrocuted myself this morning.
Don’t worry though, I don’t feel anything currently.
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship…
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed. "Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you," The Captain tells the recruit. "Do ye have any questions for me?" "Well I was wondering…" the recruit started. "How did you get the peg leg?" "Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle. Any other questions, landlubber?" "Well how did you get the hook then?" the recruit asked. The Captain grimaced. "My hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle. Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead." Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: "How did you get the eye-patch?" The Captain looked down, embarrassed. "A seagull pooped in me eye," he stated coldly. The recruit seemed surprised. "A seagull? That doesn't seem like it would cause you to lose your eye. Did it get infected?" "No," the Captain started. "It was the day after I got me hook…"
Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
Big shoutout to my great grandmother!
She can't hear me otherwise.
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.
American: Have you seen the Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
Why did the dog say “meow”?
he was bilingual
If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,
what does smoking Marijuana do?
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!" His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way
It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart
Today I hit my son in the head with a soda can
Lucky it was a soft drink
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store