Proud of my six year old
My four year old fell down and hit her butt on something and started crying.
My six year old calls her over so she can “take a look.”
She says “Well I think you broke your butt. There’s a crack down the middle.”
A carrot 🥕
So far I've got 12 fridges
This is going to be one hell of a week.
The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
Because they once had a fight and 71. Sorry guys.
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
Me: It seems like….you have a hidden agenda.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
At least he told us to be positive.
..But its definitely worth a shot.
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
he is immediately disqualified.
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
It’s really gotten out of hand.
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold! Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
The banana nana boo boo
With a whole profession built around copy and pasting stack overflow it only makes sense you guys would copy and paste the same jokes over and over again
“What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: “OK, you can take me now.”
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club…
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
And boy are my arms legs
"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher. "You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies. Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian." "No, ma'am, I think you misunderstood. That's the name of our best ham – The Damn Ham." "Oh," she replies. "Well, I'll take The Damn Ham!" Later as she's preparing dinner, her husband arrives. "Smells great in here!" he says as he enters. "What are you cooking, honey?" "The Damn Ham," she tells him. "What has gotten into you?" he asks. "You know that we do not use that kind of language in this house." "No, dear, that's the name of this ham – The Damn Ham," she explains. "Oh, I see. Well, The Damn Ham smells delicious!" After a while, the two of them and their two sons are sitting at the table enjoying a well made dinner. Going in for seconds, the preacher turns to his wife and asks, "Dear, could you pass me The Damn Ham?" One of the sons jumps up, slaps the table, and yells, "That's the spirit, Dad! Pass the fucking peas!"
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
Because you're a joke.
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.