Psychology is applied medecine tho
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛
Joke
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
I was at a bar when
A woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope
A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese. "Fuck, I missed!" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing. "Fuck, I missed" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" Same thing happens a third time. Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says: "Fuck, I missed"
Working out is like a drug to me.
I don’t do drugs.
Why did the first people to fly a plane succeed?
They were Wright
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My daughter asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I told her "No, I'm going to put it up in the living room."
Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye…
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas…
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.
Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.
They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you and I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 dollars on the floor and by time you bend down to pick it up I’ll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said to her “but ask him for 2000, pick up the money very fast he won’t have enough time to undress himself”. So she agrees! Half an hour later the boyfriend calls back and asks “what happened?” She responds: “The bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still fucking!”
What do you call a super soaker that shoots blood?
A plasma gun
If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock
That's humerus.
I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”
Then she did and my day was ruined.
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
