Pub good, Wife bad.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
“Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?”
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
I got fired just because I wore a mini skirt!
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
What do you call an instagram celeb who got Corona?
An influenzer.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What’s the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, “Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?”
On which the miner replies, "mine".
Jesus at the pearly gates
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas
She said, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace!" So I bought her . . . nothing.
How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass
I called the tinnitus help line
It kept ringing
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you’ll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship?
I’m asking for a friend.
Two years ago my doctor told me I’m going deaf
I haven't heard back from him since
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket,
you could say you are… Independant
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you don't get bored there.
Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'
Who first used propaganda?
The Australians. They asked you to take a “proper gander over there”
A lady was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
The doctor said to the husband, "don't get too alarmed… She's just having contractions."
Fast Eddie
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office… But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'… The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'
What did the maid request when asked to make the wood furniture sparkle?
"We need more lemon pledge"
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
Marathon runner ran 26.3 miles to spell out “BOSTON STROG” in her fitness app
https://ift.tt/2VtzPWC
I remember 2018…
Like it was yesterday.
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
Why are Americans so stupid?
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.
Hiring manager: “What’s your greatest weakness?”
Man: "I’d say honesty ." Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."