What do you call a chubby psychic?
A four chin teller
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen slowly turns to the man who took his drink and says, "I've had a really bad day. My alarm clock didn't go off this morning so I was late to work, which got me fired. When I went to drive home I found my car had been stolen. In the cab I took to get home my wallet fell out and I lost it. When I get home I find my wife in bed with the neighbor. And now, when I finally get the courage to kill myself, somebody drinks my poison. "
What did the lawyer wear to his next case?
His Law Suit.
A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.
Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes? Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years. Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people. Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac. Student: how about someone who is aroused by feces? Prof: that’s not so common but I believe they call those people coprophiliacs. Student: Wow, you know a lot. Ok, what about me? I’m aroused by sticking my junk into a bag of cashews. What would you call me? Prof: well I’d say your fucking nuts.
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
My kids treat me like God.
They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Why don’t they let you wear glasses in football?
Because it's a contact sport.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating…
But I think I've pulled it off.
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, “Paper or plastic?” She responded, “It makes no difference to me. You choose.” The bagger explained that he isn’t allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad-bod” missed a golden opportunity…
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
My driving examiner told me to do an emergency stop.
So I drove him to the hospital. He couldn't have been ill though, because he didn't get out.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader
Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick…
How low can you go?
Five blondes walk into a bar
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it
Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?
His Dad finally grounded him
I know that we all have different views and argue a lot on reddit, but here’s something we have in common.
People who are reading this are on the same page.
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
An Irish man walks into the pub
The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?” The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.” So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says: “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.” The man says: “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.” The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him: “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.” The man said: “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
Won’t blame ya’ll if u don’t find the man on the right as familiar as u find his name.
https://ift.tt/2V491Ld
The fact that this happened at a private school is crazyy
The fact that this happened at a private school is crazyy
Life is like a dick
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.