Pull yourself up by your boot thingys
Diabetes. What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? btw I waited 1 whole year to tell this joke
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
He was done for possession of coke.
They couldn’t control their pupils
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
It writes other words too.
Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired! Me: hurray! I got a Yob!
They're so full of themselves!
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.
my shower gets turned on.
I was almost productive for a second there!
It was hard to grasp.
Imagine all the people
They’re straight and white.
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey