Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
None of them work.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
Trump book
Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Started reading a book in brail
Something terrible is about to happen I can feel it
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
I’m an American, and I’m sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
I asked the toy store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
Guys, to be frank
I would have to change my name.
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?
Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well
The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down!” anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Doctor: You’re going to have to stop masturbating.
Me: Why? Doctor: Because it's distracting.
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
Have you guys heard about these new corduroy pillowcases?
They're really making headlines!
My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs…
I pleaded, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
Was searching for calculator project in github. Saw this. It belongs to here.
https://ift.tt/34G8X7p
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
How To Convince Your Wife You Haven’t Been Drinking
A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes, "I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned." So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned. The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars." The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
I finished writing my tortilla joke
That's a wrap
