Punny
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, “Olympic.” Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife…
"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!" Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!" "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily. "Gold of course!" I said proudly. She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
My grandfather’s in hospice, Dad asked him “how are you feeling?”
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
A man asks another man to lend him $10 until next pay day. The second man says “sure, here you go. when’s next pay day?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one with a job”
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold 😉
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
Now she is independent.
In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
Did you hear about the monster that ate a Cessna?
He said it was a little plane
My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
I’m not sure why my heating bill is so high?
If you’d like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
Why is it good to have a crab as a friend?
They'll come through for you in a pinch
What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?
It pre-pears
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said: “No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words”. She then asked Bobby what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?” Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit”.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What do you call a cancer doctor when they’re on call?
An oncologist.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.
While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe. The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked……her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying with all his effort to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' Nervously he followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her bathrobe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him……… 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears!!!' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?' 'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural…… I work out every day and my Ass is firm and solid…….i have a 28 inch waist……. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere!!!!' How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?!' Clearing his throat, he stammered …. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming that was me.'
Dad jokes are important
They are a big part of pop culture
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
Why do walruses swim in salt water?
Because if they swam in peppered water they’d sneeze all the time.
What do you call a fat psychic
Four-chin teller
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars
The weirdest part is having to rebury them
What does the clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.