Punny whistle blower…
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
Flight attendant stop the bus I’m sea sick!
Sir you are on a train
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor." Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line is a parent
At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off…
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage
If Sarah Sanders thinks it is safe to be out in public, perhaps she could lead by example
https://ift.tt/3ayAl9K
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
Tough to be Irish
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
So far, 2019 seems odd.
Like every other year.
What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?
The head poncho.
Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
This sub is not meant for memes
This sub was and still is for boomer comics, things that boomers find funny, or straight up boomer garbage. I’ve noticed that many people are posting memes about boomer humor, which isn’t what this sub is for. Thank you
I hit a rat with my car today
It left a ro-dent
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark Naked
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?” The man replies “Like a glove.”
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster tales for a cent on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "Why they are available so cheap? What's wrong with them?" Waiter says, "Nothing, actually they've been bought here just today." So the man orders some. The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster…"
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema.
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
How did harry potter get down the hill?
he came running jk rowling
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton’s VP in makeup versus out of makeup?
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
