Punny XKCD
A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.
Police are combing the area.
Mona Lisa was framed.
Then they hung her.
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
“Dad, what are condoms for?”
“Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
“Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?”
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
How many “friend zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Did anyone else’s parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.
Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
What number is a sport?
Ten is
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there’s no canaries? It’s the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Welcome to camouflage training
I’ve got to say I’m disappointed to see so many of you here
A mushroom walks into a bar…
The bartender says we don't serve your kind here, The mushroom says, why not? I'm a "fungi"!?
I saw a program billed as ” LeeAnn Rimes with Cher.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
There’s a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say “Get down Mr. President!”
Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"
Why should you never tell a secret in the country?
The potatoes have eyes The corn has ears And the beans are all stalkers
An Irishman walks past a bar.
Just kidding.
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
Did you hear about the pancake?
One day he got so angry, he just flipped.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife
She asked, "how many potatoes would you like?" I said, "I'll just have one please". She said, "it's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".
I lost my job at the quarry…
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
