Punny XKCD
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
Did you know the first French fries where not made in France?
They where made in grease.
My family and friends all laughed when I told them that one day, I would discover the secrets of invisibility…
If only they could see me now…
Dad: Son did you know you were named after Benjamin Franklin?
Son: But Dad my name is Scott. How could I be named after him? Dad: He was named in 1706.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget
My Brother’s wedding was very emotional…
Even the cake was in tiers.
BJ for Sore Throat
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie. "You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts." Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great." Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. "You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?" Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet?
15 pirates.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth’s All Star a lot.
Whether they like it or not.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
I’m so lonely…
That my only greeting is from a microwave.
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber’s van parked in our drive
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It's still fowl language
I was told I should be a stand up comedian
But I prefer sitting
A man and his wife are in bed, the man is really horny and wants to have sex, but the woman just wants to read her book, so she refuses.
the man, frustrated, jumps out of bed and goes down to the basement, and when he returns to bed, he's holding a sheep. The man says "this is the pig i cheat on you with when you're busy" . the women looks at him and says "honey, that's a sheep in your hands". The man turns to her and says " I wasn't talking to you".
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
Why do girls go out in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they cant even.
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
I'm not buying it.
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”