Puns based around jungle or dnb
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
I was born at a very young age.
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Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
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You know what’s really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Seven has “even” in it.
That's odd.
3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park…
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
The first vacuum ever created probably sucked.
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Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But CATSCAN.
I tried using “chicken” as a password but my PC said it must contain a capital
New password is “chickenkiev”
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift…
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
“Hey honey, I’m pregnant.”
"Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!" "No you're not."
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."
My wife is yelling at me for having a boner at her mothers funeral
My response, “I can’t help it, it’s mourning wood”
I recently changed my alarm clock music to a Justin Bieber song.
Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I don’t have to listen to it.
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke
should get a no bell prize.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
Ok brace yourselves for an absolute travesty of a joke, said during bathtime after water got into my daughter’s eyes.
I told my wife: There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!" This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.
I spent a summer working on a rabbit farm…
It was a hare raising experience…
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters Wife : never H : pistol, three letters W : gun H : disgust, three letters W : ugh H : charity, four letters W : give H : female sheep, three letters W : ewe H : Pixar movie, two letters W : Up
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
