Puntastic.
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
A girl once said about me “He’s the one!”
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
Airline food is disgusting
It just isn’t on the same level as homemade and restaurant food
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive…
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
I angered two people by callling them hipsters…….
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim. Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in my community, they recognize me by my face."
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he's aware wolf
A man and his date were parked on a back road at night, far away from prying eyes when his date stopped him from going any further.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.
It improved my outlook.
Simon says
that he is getting his instructions from Chuck Norris. Happy, B-Day
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia
She looked up and quietly replied, “they’re right behind you.”
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
How do you make somebody curious?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
A girlfriend is like a good US president
I’d love to have one
I played “Sweet Home Alabama” to my sister since I learned the guitar recently
Nothing happened. But our kids loved it
What room do ghosts avoid?
The living room
The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
This new diet is working pretty well
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
