Puperoni!
My teeth need to be fixed.
They keep moving around.
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
I think I had my first dad joke moment
I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?" Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet" There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad." My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
My dumbass son thinks there’s the letter F is in the word ‘way’
There’s no F in way.
Got my friend with this one, she was not too happy…
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?
Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well
Sheepdog: Yep, that’s 40 sheep there. Farmer: What, there should be only 37?
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
Life is like a dick
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
Me: This is my horse, Mayo!
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian
Then soviet.
Doctor, Doctor! I’m terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package…
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
2 blind guys were about to fight
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
The psychic I go to can predict what’s going to happen two years from now.
He's got 2020 vision.
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
My Ex-Wife Cheated On Me With Her Deaf Best Friend…
Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs.
I asked my friend nic if he had 5 cents,
But he was nicholas.
An English man, a French man, a Cuban Man and an Indian man are in a train carriage.
The French man takes out a bottle of very expensive wine, has one sip, and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the French man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later the Cuban man takes out a very fancy cigar, has one puff and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the Cuban man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later, the English man throws the Indian man out the window.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He's an artificial sweetner.
