They keep moving around.
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?" Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet" There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad." My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!
If generosity was the only criteria required for heaven all halogens would be in hell
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
There’s no F in way.
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
Oh you are? I see. Why?
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
He's got 2020 vision.
The results speak for themselves.
Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs.
But he was nicholas.
The French man takes out a bottle of very expensive wine, has one sip, and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the French man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later the Cuban man takes out a very fancy cigar, has one puff and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the Cuban man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later, the English man throws the Indian man out the window.
He's an artificial sweetner.