Pure horror.
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women
Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is. "Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says. "Wow! And that works?" Mike asks. "Every time" Dave replies. So later that day, while his wife was in the shower, Mike bangs his dick on his bedside table and before he walks into his bathroom, he hears his wife. "Dave, is that you?"
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
I was appalled when the waiter told me it’s ‘nacho cheese’
I said i paid for it, it IS my cheese.
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.
What does a house wear?
Address
A Man Was Driving Down the Road & Ran out of PETROL…
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. “What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee. “I’m out of petrol,” the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. ”Try it now,” said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow,” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank?” “BP,” answered the bee.
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Then I got kicked out of the library.
Two gay men are travelling…
…on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill. "Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve. "You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"
What do you call a muscular Arab?
Protein Sheikh.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
A Scottish man walks into a bar..
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
Republicans be like “It’s my AMERICAN RIGHT to be able to choose to pay for insurance!”
https://ift.tt/2N9DSmt
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
Dads are just like boomerangs..
.. I hope
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at her.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says…
5 beers please
As I slipped my finger inside her hole….
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
I just bought a thesaurus, but all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed!
