Putting a bullet in a contemptible, socially inept person …
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a shot of tequila!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a shot of whiskey!” The bartender turns to the anti-vaxxer, "and what are you having?". The anti-vaxxer responds, "no shots for me", then dies from polio.
All the fans left
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right. Edit thanks for the silver u/WindyDizzel
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. You’ll be a bouillonaire in no time.
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
But none of them work.
”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady. [Based on a true story!]
Because they're always spotted.
Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable
Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!
So we can think of a solution in silence.
I guess shift happens.
From a distance they looked like hares.
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
So this man is talking to God and he says: “God, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?” Then God says: “Yes. A million years is like a second to me.” Then the man says: “So if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?” Then God said: “Yes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.” So the man says: “God, can I please have a penny?” Then God says: “Yeah just give me a second.”
She walked up to me, hands behind her back.. "Check it out, dad! This is really funny looking!" "What? Lemme see…" And the little shit holds up a mirror to my face, giggling her head off. Payback is a bitch, little girl….
Eventually we drifted apart.
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
what does smoking Marijuana do?
It's like I have never seen herbivore
There were a lot of red flags.