Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
https://ift.tt/2tNUDsZ
Want to hear a joke about Construction?
I'm still working on it.
What did the Mexican fireman name his two sons?
José and Hose B
An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, “so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left”. The teacher interrupts, “you see children, the Fokker was a German plane”.
The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money…
So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Chubby Karen unable to pray Covid-19 away. Unfortunately, Lots of them to go.
https://ift.tt/39SbQEm
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
When does a dad joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to diss a brie?
My 77 year old dad said this last night
So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19
Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
The next time your gf gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and exlaim:
“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY” Maybe she’ll laugh Maybe you’ll die
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks…
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends
Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!" The man red in the face wincing in pain is obviously not impressed by her apology. The woman goes on and explains "luckily I am a nurse. Maybe I could feel around and check to make sure everything is ok?". The man replies exasperated "sure sure do whatever, owww". So the nurse drops to her knees pulls the man's pants down and begins to massage his testicles checking for damage. "And how is that, any better?" she asks. To which the man replies: "Well it feels great but I still think my fucking thumb is broken!"
Her:I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me:Well that makes two of us