Putting things into perspective
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
The lawyer is to first. He lays his head down, the lever is pulled… But nothing happened. He argues that he can't receive two death penalties, so he is let go. Next, the priest lays his head down, the lever is pulled, and the same thing happens. He claims that he was clearly saved by God, so he is let go. Finally, the engineer lays his head down, looks up at the blade and says, "oh, I see your problem"
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?" Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter. Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!". The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
I must not be strogonough (strong enough)
Click here to find out!
He asks saint Peter: "I'd like to see Mohammed. Do you know where he is?" "Mohammed? He's not here. I'm just the gatekeeper. You'll need to go higher." And so the Muslim enters. He sees Mary the god bearer sitting on a bench. "Excuse me. Do you know where I could find Mohammed?" "Mohammed? I think he's at work. You'll need to go higher." Having ascended all the way to the top, he sees Jesus standing before him. "Christ, highest of prophets. I'm looking for Mohammed. Please show me the way." "Mohammed you say? You'll need to go higher." Saying that, Jesus rises his hand and a stairway appears. Thankful, the Muslim goes up the long steps. Suddenly, he finds himself in what looks like an office. God, radiating with divine light, welcomes him. "What do you seek?" "Can I see Mohammed?" "Of course but why the rush. Come. Sit down. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes please." "Mohammed! Two coffees please"
and it's fucking discussing.
Cause he has little legs!
and asks for sex with a girl who suffers from an STD. Aghast, the madame asks him why on earth he'd want an STD. He replies "It's not for me, exactly. I want to give it to the babysitter." She asks him "Why do you want your babysitter to have the clap?" He replies "Well, she'll give it to my dad, my dad will give it to the upstairs maid, the maid will give it to the postman, and the postman will give it to my mom." Horrified, she screams "Why do you want your mother to have the clap?" The kid giggles, and says "She'll give it to the milkman, and he's the SOB who ran over my bike!"
I told him to quit while he was a head.
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"
Her father became mad and said "No butter for you" Later, the girl killed a honeybee, her father again became mad and said "No honey for you" The girl later killed a cockroach. Her father said "Nice try, this is Alabama" (Sorry, English is not my first language)
There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.
The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was. They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country. They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?" "How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
There was hell toupee.
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "That's from Grandma."