All you gotta do is use a free VPN, and yet they think they are actually achieving something
All you gotta do is use a free VPN, and yet they think they are actually achieving something
How do you make a fish not smell?
Cut off its nose.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
I just got banned from /r/fashion
Apparently they didn't like my threads
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
Shout out to my GPS
I don't know where I'd be without it
When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.
Then I realized I hate country music.
He knows all the racist slogans, but don’t have any idea that they are…Sure, Jan
https://ift.tt/2XMxYMr
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
Timmy was being raised by his single mother
When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands. It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school. But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was ruined. Timmy’s dad just kept making terrible pun after terrible pun. That’s when it hit Timmy like a ton of bricks. He asks “Did….did you go through all this and even get a sex change just so you could make Dad jokes?!” Timmy’s dad replies “Ahh shit, you see right through me. I guess I’m just….transparent”
Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.” “Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.” Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced ,“You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.” “It's nothing,” said the father. “We're glad you were able to come.” Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello! Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss was sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything.” After they finished dessert, the father said, “There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.” The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we're bastards?” “Yep,” said the father, “and cheap ones too.”
I downloaded the music of the film Titanic
It's synching now
(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should we release you?
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
A bad workman always blames his fools…
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
I found out my toaster isn’t waterproof
I was shocked
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
Procrastination is like masturbation…
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19
This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.
What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner?
A vaccum cleaner.
I’d lose my shit if someone snuck laxatives into my food
No text found
Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has a little known brother.
Randolf the brown nosed reindeer, he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick.
Why is McDonald’s so exact about how many French fries they give you?
They operate on a shoestring budget.
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbeelievable
I come from a long line of wood winds, so I was shocked when my daughter said she wanted to be a percussionist
But thinking back, when I checked her instrument case, the cymbals were always there.
What’s brown and sticky?
A Stick
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
I knew this butcher who accidentally backed into his meat grinder
He got a little behind in his work
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them seem to work
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!