IT WAS SIR EEL
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
I haven’t heard from him since.
It wasn’t much of a wedding but the reception was wonderful.
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
You can hide but you cant run
He wanted to get a long little doggy. (credit: my sister, Lisa)
3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough. The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck. The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck. And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn’t want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.
He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.” After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either…
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
… until the doctor told me to take the candles off first! Happy cake day to meeeeee!
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Then I realised she can't even.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Even the cake was in tiers!
But i didn't think it wood work.
An Impasta (First post here)
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
A grand entrance
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.