Doctor hands me my baby
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?
Ewocs away
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him
but this isn't even my final form.
A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now.
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
What number is a sport?
Ten is
I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
I wish I had the sexual power of snow.
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.
Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
The government has been shut down for more than 15 days….
We can all legally leave.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied…"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"….. “it was then that I…. lost it”
I asked my friend nic if he had 5 cents,
But he was nicholas.
Did you here about the man who broke his funny bone?
They soaked it in water and it became a laughing stock.
The inventor of auto correct died last week…
Restaurant In Peace
These scare me most about the future when it’s a younger millennial sharing this drivel.
https://ift.tt/34p9pX8
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
Two blondes went out deer hunting…
…and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier." So the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground." "Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our pick up."
Do you know how ISIS elevator works?
You press the button and six floors come down.
My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
For lifelong French bakers,
existence is pain.
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he could not see that well.
Last night, I explained to my son what the word “bargain” means.
I think it meant a great deal to him.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.” She asked, “Which doctor?”
"No, the regular kind."