Q: How do you tell if there’s an elephant hiding in your refrigerator?
A: Look for footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you tell there are 2 elephants hiding in your refrigerator? A: You can hear them fighting for room.
Q: How do you tell there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's more no room for the butter.
Q: How do you tell there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator? A: You need a fork lift to move it.
Q: You're in an airplane that's running out of fuel much more quickly than expected and is going to crash. What does the pilot throw out to save the plane? A: Your refrigerator.
Q: Greg and Rich were playing their weekly game of chess. Greg always wins, but this time Rich was so close. He sat there thinking, and thinking, and thinking, trying to find an opening. He thought for so long that he died, and Greg won. How did Rich die? A: A refrigerator fell on him.
Q: The Lion King called a huge meeting and demanded that all the animals come. There were the cheetahs, antelope, wildebeests, rattle snakes, hippopotamus, literally almost everyone one was there for the big meeting. But they couldn't start because there was one animal missing. Who was is? A: The elephants, because they were in your refrigerator.
Q: Your walking across a desert when you come to a big river. You are so hungry that you're about to faint, but you can see several fruit trees full of fruit on the other side. There's an old bridge across the river, but it has a sign that says "Bridge closed due to snake infestation." Along the river there are also signs that say "Warning: Crocodiles – no swimming." How do you get across the river? A: Just take the bridge. All the animals are at the Lion King's meeting.
Just some absurd jokes from my childhood š
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
Never try to fight a dinosaur…
Youāll get Jurasskiced
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
Why canāt the USA tell knock knock jokes?
Because freedom rings
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Two engineering students were walking across campus…
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike." The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."
In my opinion, people should wear different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But thatās just my two scents.
A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.
Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?
I don’t get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo’s new product announcement…
My house is full of light switches!
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, āYou can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.ā
Thief: āYou must really love your wife!ā Man: āNo, but she will be home shortlyā.
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir." the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Otherwise
No text found
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
“I’m sorry, but Joey Starr is not mentioned among the 20th century philosophers”.
https://ift.tt/3gDH1bb
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?
At a second hand store.
Iām opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
https://ift.tt/2Bv17Rq
How many Alzheimerās patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates
St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks whatās going on, the Scotsman replies āI cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.ā They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is heās with this unbelievable goddess, while theyāre stuck with these god-awful women. The Irishman replies āI have no idea, but Iām definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I canāt seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself āFucking income taxā
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, āI want to open a fucking checking account.ā
The astonished woman replies, āI beg your pardon, but we donāt tolerate language like that in this bank.ā The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldnāt have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, āSir, what seems to be the problem here?ā āThere is no fucking problemā the man says. āI just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.ā āOh, I see.ā says the manager. āAnd is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?ā
Authentic genuine 1964 boomer humor found in a men’s magazine in a secret wall stash
https://ift.tt/2YmQDhV
The Greeks invented the threesome
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.