Q is coming to get you…Or save you…I forget which one!
A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete. He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
His name is Carson.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
Oh well, hindsight is 1
I bought a safe for my home
Because he could not see that well.
But it’s definitely up there.
I pleaded, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
A dictatorship =3
Noah was standing on the deck.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
It was a bassless accusation.
John: "Is there a problem officer?" Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?" John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk" Cop: "Holy shit!" The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up. Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?" John: "Sure" John had his license Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?" John: "Sure" It was in his car Chief: "Could you open your glove box?" John: "Sure" There were no weapons Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?" John: "Be my guest" There were no bodies in the trunk Chief:"Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk" John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"
It’s a gateway rug
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
For Hispanic attacks
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
It is Excel Lent.
Apparently it's ill eagle.
.. they would eventually find me attractive
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
They eventually would.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
It only takes one nail to hang a picture