Q: What do you call a cold dog? A: A Chilli Dog.

Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
This is my first year not going to Fiji because of Covid-19
Normally i don’t go because I’m poor
Little Johnny is back
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'." Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johhny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
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It wasn’t fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few years ago.
Now I can look back and laugh.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
I never thought my son would steal road signals
But when I got home all the signs were there
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Don’t be mad at lazy people
They didn’t do anything
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
My dad said he’s going to a concert.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
What did one cucumber seed say to the other?
We're in a bit of a pickle!
Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”
Friends are like snow
When you pee on them, they disappear.
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
Everyone told Sam not to sing
but Samsung anyway.
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.” DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?” Caller: “Goan… spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.” DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!” The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until: DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.” DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?” Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.” DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
This is why you check for kids
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?

Machine learning: “I’m as intelligent as human beings”. Also machine learning:
https://ift.tt/36gtLDH