Q: Why can’t a blind guy see his friends?
A: Because he's married.
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Who would win in a fight. Athletes or Prisoners?
It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz…
"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny. "What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets his cookie. "And what did you do on recess, Suzy?" Suzy replied that she played in the sandbox with Johnny and Leroy. "Spell 'box' and you will get a cookie." Says the teacher. Suzy correctly spelled box and got her cookie. "Leroy, what did you do during recess?" The teacher asked. He replied, with tears in his eyes "Well, I tried to play in the sandbox with Johnny and Suzy, but they just threw rocks at me and called me a N$%%ER!" The teacher looked at Leroy and said "Well my goodness! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" "So, Leroy, spell 'blatant racial discrimination' and you'll get a cookie!"
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
Guys, to be frank
I would have to change my name.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
Four-year-old son unknowingly got me with this one
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today. Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
I have a Russian friend whoโs a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
I’m divorcing my wife…
"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
I found out the secret to making money…
But first, let me introduce you to todays sponsor Raid Of Shadow Legends.
When I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson, he looked quizzically at me and said, โBut your name is Brian…โ
I exclaimed, โI know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson!"
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
Iโve made a website for depressed tennis playersโฆ
The servers are currently down…
Wife: Our son called me a bitch today
Husband: What! That little son of a bitch