Quack
My son was refusing to eat dinner, so I tried to force feed him.
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay
An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him…
… the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Upon hearing that his elderly grandfather had just passed away, Dave went to visit his 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When he asked how his grandfather died, his grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Dave told his grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
father: how are your grades son?
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,
but it’s definitely up there.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
Amazing how Evangelicals and his supporters believe he should be the one we trust
https://ift.tt/2JvX7oj
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
A Mexican magician said,
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
My friend tried to convince me “whey” is spelled “whfey”
There's no f in whey
A man had been drinking all night…
A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So he goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok…then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating…
But I think I've pulled it off.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
What do bees say to psych themselves up at the start of their day?
"Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G, and it’s gone.
If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..
I would have $6.38.
“Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?”
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
Joke
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch
I was having anal sex..
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend. Her father suddenly slammed the door open and started screaming at her. "Dad, I'm sorry!", she said. The father turned to me and, from the top of his lungs, he started screaming: "Are you fucking sorry?"
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"